- What was Hitler's christian name? - Heil

- What is a turbine? - Something an arab wears on his head

- Who was it that didn't like the return of the prodigal son? The fatted calf

- What's a Hindu? - It lays eggs

- Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face...

- Name the four seasons - Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar

- What changes happen to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental

- What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
They'll insist you're well endowed if you're buying a house

- How important are elections to a democratic society?
Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

- What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been involved in a car accident
and is immobile?
Rape them in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea

- What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The Kiss of Death

- What are steroids?
Things for keeping the carpet on the stairs

- What is a common treatment for a badly bleeding nose?
Circumcision

"Red, pink, orange and flamingo are the colours of the rectum."

"I've said goodbye to my boyhood, now I'm looking forward to my adultery."

"Monotony means being married to the same person for all your life."

"A sexually transmitted disease is gonorrhoea, the penis becomes inflammable."

"A major disease associated with smoking is premature death."

"The equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth through Africa."

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"The process of flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists."

"A common disease of cereal crops is wheatgerm."

"An important difference between the male and female reproductive systems is that a tube
joins the testis to the exterior - called the vast difference."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin
and water."

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the
bowels,of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial
Perspiration."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight
cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon,
because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun
joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

Some definitions:

BENIGN...What you will be after you be eight

CAESAREAN SECTION...A district in Rome

COMA...A punctuation mark - a bit like a full stop

SEMI-COLON...Partial removal of the intestines

VACUUM...Large empty space where the pope lives

ENEMA...Someone who is not your friend

MAGNET...Something you find crawling on a dead cat

FIBULA...A small lie

MORBID...When there is a bigger offer

GERMINATION...The process of becoming a German

NODE...When you have known somebody for a long time

SEIZURE...A Roman Emperor

FERTILISATION...The fussing of the male with the female garments

TERMINAL ILLNESS...When you are ill at the airport

TIBIA...A country in North Africa

VARICOSE...Nearby

VEIN...Conceited