Jokes Dictionary
Abra-Kebabra:
A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes
down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it
suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.
Aussie Kiss:
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
Back End of the Batmobile:
The state of your Brass Eye soon after you eat a really hot curry.
"I had a Ring Stinger in the Benghazi restaurant last night, and
now I've got a dose of Gandhi's Revenge. My arse feels like the back
end of the Batmobile."
Beaver Leaver:
or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.
Beer Coat:
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
Beer Compass:
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a
booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you
live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
Bone of Contention:
A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man
is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
Breaking the Seal:
Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will
be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
Cock-A-Doodle-Poo:
The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up
in the morning to get to the toilet quick.
Etch-A-Sketch:
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her
nipples simultaneously.
Fizzy Gravy:
or Rusty Water. Diarrhoea.
Flogging On:
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
Free the Tadpoles:
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
Frigmarole:
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
Going For a McShit:
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member,
our declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a
McShit With Lies.
Greyhound:
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
McSplurry:
The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week
in fast food restaurants.
Millennium Domes:
The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed
from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.
Monkey Bath:
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo!
Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".
Mystery Bus:
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come bac in.
Mystery Taxi:
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you
wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a
10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NBR:
No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub.
The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
Picasso Arse:
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like
she's got 4 buttocks.
Sperm Wail:
or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
Starfish Trooper:
or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.
10-Pinter:
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
2-Bagger:
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover
their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)
Titanic:
A lady who goes down first time out.
See if you can justify the following:
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn
down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid
made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used
on planes?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
The New Viz Dictionary 2000
Armbreaker:
Particularly energetic wank.
Arse Spider:
Tenacious well knotted winnit that cannot be removed
without bringing 8 spindly hairs with it.
Audition the finger puppets:
A single-act, one man show not suitable for children.
Autograph the gusset.
To allow the turtles head to sign the inside of your
underpants.
Bacon strips:
External female genitalia.
Beef box:
A container into which sausages are put.
Benny Hill:
Rhyming slang, female contraceptive.
Blocks, up on the blocks:
Monthly MOT failure due to recurring leak under the Beatle Bonnet.
Brown Daisy:
Unpleasantly scented flower which attracts flies rather
than bees.
Bum Goblin:
A gnarled malevolent turd that jumps out behind you casting
a painful spell on your ringpiece!
B.V.H:
Abbr, "Blue veined hooligan" A six inch tall, one eyed skinhead.
Chugnuts:
Extremely large piles.
Cider Visor:
Beer goggles for the younger drinker.
Cliterature:
One handed reading material.
Cockoholic:
One who is addicted to cockahol.
Conkers deep:
To be in a state of deep penetration.
Cough your filthy yoghurt:
Romantic expression for ejaculation.
Crunchie:
A sock worn the morning after being used as a wank-mop.
Disco fanny:
The full strength flavour achieved after 6 hours on a dance
floor in PVC trousers.
Ditch Pig:
Affectionate term for an ugly fat girl.
Frog:
A formidable blast from the spunk trumpet where the ladies
cheeks puff out like a bullfrog*s.
Double bassing:
To have sex from behind while fiddling with the ladies left
nipple with one hand and her budgies tongue with the other, a
position similar to the one adopted for playing the double
bass, though the sound is slightly different.
Drown some kittens:
To drown a litter of small stools.
Eating sushi off a barber shop floor:
Cunnulingus.
Face fannies:
Sideburns.
Feeding the pony:
One handed feeding of a lady*s toothless gibbon.
Five pinter:
A very ugly woman you would only chat-up after five pints.
Fizzy gravy:
Rusty water, diahorrea.
Free the tadpoles:
To liberate the residents of ones wank tanks.
Fuckshitfuckshitsuckshit:
The sound made when driving through to narrow a gap at too high a speed.
Funbagtastic:
Exclm, may be uttered when seeing a large pair of breasts.
Granny*s oysters:
Elderly female genitalia.
Greyhound:
Very short skirt, only an inch from the *hare*.
Hairy Scallops:
Furry shellfish to be eaten when bearded clams are out of season.
Hand-to-gland combat:
Vigorous three minute bout of gladiatorial combat involving a spam javelin.
Heftty-clefty:
Welly top, horses collar. Descriptive of a large vagina.
Lord of the pies:
Salad dodger, barge arse, Danny Baker.
Mexican lipstick:
Embarrassing facial tide mark found after eating out lady who
was up on the blocks.
Ming the merciless:
Death by chocolate starfish.
Monkey bath:
A bath so hot when lowering yourself in you go *Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!*.
Opera house:
A large vagina, with heavy pink safety curtains.
Pie-Liner:
A Femidom.
PIK:
Acronym, Pig In Knickers.
Pumpers Lump:
The condition of enhanced right arm muscle due to excessive wanking.
Quim Chin, Muff mouth:
A bearded fellow.
Release the chocolate hostage:
To liberate Richard the third.
Roy Castle*s last blow:
A pathetic whimpering fart.
Starfish Trooper:
An Arsestronaut*..
Tit Pants:
A Bra.
Tongue Punchbag, Small man in a boat:
See Budgie*s Tongue.
Two Bagger:
Someone so ugly that two bags are required, one to cover their head and one
to cover yours incase theirs falls off.
Wet as an otters pocket:
Descriptive as to the moistness of a ladies kipper mitten.
X-Piles:
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
More definitions but not Viz
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing cricket without a box.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2minutes.
COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the
lads.
BUM (bum) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
Male: The organ for mooning (and farting).
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Sex
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What women do while the man is shagging.
AEROPLANE BLONDE - one who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'blackbox'!
BADLY PACKED KEBAB - a vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BRITNEY SPEARS - Modern Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Couple of Britney's please Doreen".
MUMBLER - an attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e.you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying
BRUCE LEE - erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
BEER SCOOTER - the ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it. i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
BUNNY-BOILER - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction". e.g. "I don't like the look of that aeroplane blonde-could be a bunny boiler".
DRINK-LINK - a modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS - a young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
NELSON MANDELA - Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE - the need to defecate imminently.
PEARL HARBOUR - cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.
RAGMAN'S COAT - untidy and unkempt pubic hair. e.g. "That mumbler looks quite fit but I bet she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat !"
RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE - to defecate. e.g. "I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".
SALAD DODGER - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SKIN-CHIMNEY - see BADLY PACKED KEBAB.
SWAMP-DONKEY - a deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL or BITCH PISS - bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
UP ON BLOCKS - menstruating. i.e. Out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
WALLACE AND GROMIT - Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
WYNONA RYDER - Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen".